blog episode VI: return of the blog

Ok, so this isn't actually "Episode 6" of my blog, I just really wanted to make a Return of the Jedi reference.

I haven't posted since 2014!  What happened??  First, my doctoral internship.  A typical day was waking up between 5 and 6 AM, a mile walk to an hour long bus ride, an 8-10 hour work day, an hour bus ride home, running/yoga, shower, making dinner with a new vegetarian diet, and bed by 9pm.  Yes, I can get a little rigid... and this wasn't helped by the fact that Chris and I were living apart that year while he started his Ph.D. at Berkeley.  Without him to balance me out and introduce a little spontaneity, I very contentedly settled into a routine, and then adhered to it a little dogmatically.  But, in my defense, internship year is a hugely formative year for a psychologist, and I was apart from my husband, so I was coping in the best way I know how: schedules.

What else happened??  My dissertation.  This meant that a significant chunk of my weekends and free time was spent working on the most important project I've ever done.  No time for blog.  Plus, I'm friends with my advisor on Facebook and she may have noticed if my dissertation wasn't happening but I was churning out blog posts (Hi Amy!!).  She is an awesome advisor, though, and I'm not just saying that because she might be reading this (the likelihood is low, she is a full time researcher and has 2 kids and a social life, but just in case, thanks for everything).

What ELSE happened?  I moved to California.  WHAT?  I know.  But Chris got in to Berkeley (it's kind of a big deal), and for 6 years he supported me through my own Ph.D., working to pay our bills and putting his academic aspirations on the back burner so I could complete my dreams.  Of course we would move so he could study in the best possible place he could be.  Knowing I was moving, and per recommendation of my awesome therapist, I channeled more energy into my social life.  I wanted to ensure that the friends I had in Seattle knew how important they are to me, and maximize my time with them.  And after moving, I didn't want to spend months hiding at home watching Pitbulls and Parolees,  nursing my social anxiety and pretending I'm cool with Domino as my only friend.  So when I thought about blogging, I thought to myself "Have you made plans with anyone lately? Have you returned people's texts? Could I hide a dog in this apartment?"  Not all my thoughts were totally relevant.

And THEN what happened?  Postdoc.  After 6 years of strategizing and scheming to stay in Washington, matching to an in-state internship, and preparing to get licensed there, I needed to rethink my career to align with California requirements.  This meant finding a postdoc in a place where I had zero professional connections, that also just happens to be one of the top 3 most competitive cities for finding a postdoc, in the hardest state for getting licensed.  Oh ok.  So I got a postdoc.  <repeat rigid schedule from internship + add a transbay commute>

AND I had to study for the EPPP (the examination for the professional practice of psychology) < repeat rigid schedule from dissertation>

I DID ALL THAT!

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

We had a baby!!

This is my son, Henry

I love saying that, so much, "my son."

So after all that, NOW, I am on maternity leave.  Which means that, for the first time in about 2 years, I have a hot second to reflect on my life and reconnect to something that makes me feel like myself: writing.  And there is a new central component of myself that I've never written about before: being a mother.  It's still a little surreal, and yet, at the same time, the most real thing that I've ever experienced.

The love I feel for him is beyond compare.  His existence is amazing - a mixture of me and my favorite person combined into one.  I created him with my body.  But then he is also himself: even in his tiniest form, there was no denying that he is more than a combination of his dad and me, he is also a person comprised of his own unique magical substance - his own Henryness.  And so I can spend hours (literally hours) just looking at him, amazed by this Henryness.  

Any parent can attest to the fact that, as soon as he was born, everything in my heart, mind, and being shifted, and it is now my life's mission to ensure his safety and wellbeing.  Later on he will have more responsibilities; working hard and being a kind person, etc.  But for now, all I need from him is to eat, sleep, poop, and cuddle.  And when he accomplishes any of those things, I feel immensely proud and fulfilled.  It is amazing what hormones can do!

Beyond the immense love for him, I'm also so proud and happy about my new identity as a mother.  Hearing my husband refer to me as "mommy" when he talks to Henry fills me with warmth and excitement.  I've been amazed at how right and natural this feels, like this identity is not actually new at all, but has been quietly inside of me my entire life.  Henry arrived and illuminated this quiet part of me, and now it's glowing happily inside my heart.

Not that every part of this has been easy.  In fact, except for loving him, no part has been easy.  I've taken care of many babies throughout my life, so I came into this with some basic knowledge: diapering, dressing, soothing, getting a baby to sleep, what different types of crying might mean.  And then I also have pretty in-depth developmental knowledge of babies from my work and academics: what developmental milestones happen when, what's neurologically going on with a newborn, the theoretical components of forming a strong and positive attachment.  My baby knowledge even extended to knowing that none of this knowledge was going to make any difference when my baby arrived, and so I stood on the brink of this vast ocean of not-knowing with open arms of acceptance!

What I did not know was that, right beside that ocean, was an entirely different ocean of things I didn't know, and didn't know that I didn't know.  Like the fact that labor would last 3 days.  Or that taking care of a newborn, trying to learn how to breastfeed, and recovering from labor simultaneously would be the hardest thing I've ever done (seriously, the hardest thing I've ever done).  I also did not know that the tidal wave of postpartum hormones would augment my already strained emotions, meaning that I basically cried every time Henry cried for, like, 2 weeks.  In case you don't have all that "super valuable" baby knowledge I alluded to earlier, babies cry a lot.  So do moms.

The first week is now a complete blur in my memory.  Particular things stand out: the immense gratitude for my parents and in-laws, who cleaned our whole apartment and then stocked it with food.  Tearfully watching YouTube videos of breastfeeding mothers trying to figure out how to get a screaming, hungry baby to "latch."  Intense admiration for and devotion to my husband while I watched him expertly swaddle his newborn son (Chris is seriously the best baby swaddler I've ever seen, and if I was not in love with him before, his swaddling would have gotten me there).  That feeling that Chris and I were surviving something very intense and mildly traumatic together, so I should never get snappy about who is sleeping more (plus, I need him to swaddle) (plus plus, I need him).  And the love.  The intense love for Henry.

That love is peaceful and radiant now, but that first week, "love" felt more like panic.  I'll never forget the first time we laid him down to sleep in the bedside crib:

First of all, look at that swaddle.  Second of all, how do you not panic when you see your tiny baby helpless and exposed in a now giant-looking crib when 48 hours ago he was inside of you?  You think to yourself: that is literally my heart, now outside of my body, and he is so profoundly fragile and probably should not be outside of my body because everything here is dangerous and he can't do anything to protect himself.  To quote Sookie, he doesn't know his butt from a hole in the ground.  And then you're supposed to leave him there?  And go to sleep?  Every sound he made we pounced up to look at him.  Why is he breathing so hard?  What is the meaning of that noise, is he struggling?  It sounds like he's struggling.  Of course he's struggling, he was floating around in fluid yesterday.  Wait, but is he actually struggling?  Oh my god, how are we going to keep him alive?  We should be sleeping.  Ok, he's actually crying now.  When do people sleep, like for real?  

The answer to that question is "never again."  Tangent alert:  I just want to take this moment to debunk this whole "sleep when your baby sleeps" thing.  It is not a thing.  Newborn babies sleep for, max, an hour or 2 at a time before they need their parent to feed or tend to them in some way.   Mama can't spend the entire day on the couch, leisurely napping every time baby sleeps, or even every other time.  Because mama needs to pee (a process that first week postpartum, I'll spare the details), find food to eat so she can take medication, wash the pile of soiled clothes and blankets so baby can be dressed, research breastfeeding so when baby wakes up and cries maybe feeding will go better this time, return the concerned texts from grandparents who want to know the baby is still alive (oh my god, how are we going to keep him alive?), etc.  Probably a total of 2 times I laid down to sleep when Henry was napping, and the 20 scant minutes of sleep I got were not that helpful.  So people stop telling me to sleep when he sleeps, mmkay?

Life shifted in such a radical way that it's hard to approximate with "salt of the earth" examples, but, you guys, I didn't wash my face for a week.  Since pre-puberty, I have washed my face and brushed my teeth twice a day every day like it was necessary to sustain life.  No matter how sick, grief-stricken,  drunk, or inconvenienced, I wash my face before bed.  In college, I was hospitalized with pneumonia and was on strict bedrest, but I dragged my IV cart to the sink and washed my face twice a day at the hospital.  At my bachelorette party I drank my weight in champagne and required ridiculous assistance to do so, but (with my bridesmaids' help), I washed my face.  Camping, roadtripping, Vegas.. no matter what, I washed my face twice a day for 20 years.  We got home from the hospital with Henry, and I did not wash my face for a week.  A WEEK.  It was 3 days before I showered, and even then I'm pretty sure I just stood in the water and cried.  All sorts of "rules" have been broken.  I haven't worn a bra in a month.  I wore plaid pajama pants to Target.  It was 3 weeks before I even was able to leave our neighborhood to go on said trip to Target, and when I was there I felt like a delirious visitor from another dimension, staring curiously at the other shoppers like "what year be this, human?"  The house is a mess.  I haven't responded promptly or appropriately to a phone call, email, or text message in a month.  When our amazing friends in Seattle banded together to buy us month long subscription to Blue Apron, I realized I hadn't turned on the stove in a month either. 

But in the most poignant and unexpected way possible, this is all so right.  Henry arriving in my life is the single most important, most life-altering event I could experience, so it makes sense that it should be a bra-less, text-less, stove-less month.  A month of tears, pain, terror, sleeplessness, and pure, soul-altering love.  

I want to try and present a more "honest" picture of motherhood than what social media usually shows.  Of course, we only want to photographically document the fun and beautiful parts because those are the parts that are fun and beautiful to remember.  When Henry throws up on me and then spends 20 minutes screaming because he's hungry and he just spit up all the milk, I'm not thinking "I really need to put this on Instagram."  But I think that also contributes to the isolation and inadequacy that so many new mothers feel.  I have to write about the love, and of course I have to show the cute picutres (c'mon, he's so cute), but I'm also hoping to share more about my struggles and the parts of postpartum recovery and motherhood that I didn't know - the 2nd ocean of things I didn't know, and didn't know I didn't know.  

I'm so glad to be posting again, and hope to write again soon.  Just one more cute picture for now:

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With love from, Katey

Whole Beauty Part 4: Considering an animal-free diet

For about a year now, I’ve been considering a vegetarian lifestyle.  

While changing my whole diet may seem like a complicated issue, for me, it’s motivated by the pure and uncomplicated love of animals. 

A long evolution of thought and feeling has led me to a clear decision: I love animals and I don't want to eat them.  I want to share a little bit of this journey with you, as well as my really fun conversation with my lovely Vegan friend, Heidi.  However, this type of conversation always seems to require the disclaimer that, while I believe eating meat is a moral issue, I don’t judge others for enjoying their bacon and sausage.  I don’t pretend to be morally superior, in any way, to my omnivorous peers - I'm still one of you!  And I have to go on this journey myself before recommending it to anyone else.  But, if you want to come, I think it's going to be a super fun journey, filled with tasty food!

If you’re still with me (thank you, you’re awesome), and want to know WHY I would suddenly decide to stop eating tasty animals – I remember the exact moment.  I was watching PBS (the impetus for many a great epiphany, I’m sure), and got sucked into a fascinating documentary about Joe Hutto, a true-to-life cowboy mountain man who researched wild mule deer for seven years:

Touching the Wild, on PBS

From the website: "Joe Hutto’s idea of research is anything but normal, dedicating seven years of his life to becoming a wild mule deer. The herd would ordinarily run from any human but, incredibly, these keenly intelligent animals come to regard this stranger as one of their own. Accepted by the matriarch, he walks among them, is even groomed by them, and can lie with a pregnant doe talking to its unborn fawns. As he crosses the species divide, Joe is tapping into a new understanding about these elusive animals, literally entering a deer society. The captivating joy he feels for his new family is nothing short of infectious, but this human predator also learns to see the world from the point of view of prey – and it’s an experience that will ultimately rock him to his very core; sharing their world so personally finally takes a toll that sends him back to his own kind.”

There is a scene in this documentary where Hutto discovers the carcass of a mule deer buck he’s known for 5 years, which has been killed and eaten by wolves.  Importantly, I think, Hutto makes no distinction between human and animal hunters: humans eat meat, so do cougars, and he passes no judgment.  He does nothing to interfere with hunting by humans, wolves, or cougars, even though he has come to love and understand this family of mule deer.  As he finds the animal’s remains, Hutto narrates, “I've observed kills on more occasions that I would like to count, and they’re truly the quintessential death by a thousand cuts.  And it’s like reconstructing a crime scene…You see where the animal was eventually grabbed, usually by multiple individuals, struggled, was dragged to the ground, viciously torn, blood in the snow, and then finally that animal’s agony has ended.  And that’s a horrible picture, and people don’t see that.”  Then he watches as the buck’s brother finds his remains, and cries out in distress.  This is the moment when I knew I couldn't eat meat anymore.  Despite his stoic nature, you can't help but feel Hutto's emotion as he narrates: 

“They don’t cling less desperately to their lives than we do.  They do not experience death with less fear than we do.  Their agony and their horror is absolutely real.  This is an individual that you know, and you see their horror and their agony.  And you assign this to the way nature works.  Well, when you’re that close to an animal, you can’t look at it and say ‘well this is the natural order of things, this is the way it should be.’  You just cannot dismiss it.” 

As I cried watching this emotional scene, I looked down at my two cats sleeping on the floor, and think how much time and energy I spend to make them happy and safe, how devastated I would be if they were lost, hurt, or killed.  And I think about how many people cry over humane society commercials.  Why is a suffering, lonely dog any different from an animal we eat?  Millennia ago, we chose dogs and cats for companions, and cows and chickens to eat, but how can we say this is the way it’s definitely supposed to be now?  How can we unequivocally say that some creatures’ feelings are more precious than others, especially as our scientific knowledge about the emotional lives of animals only increases.  We all watched Blackfish and swore we’d never visit SeaWorld again.  To me, vegetarianism seems like the obvious next step. 

Though this may have been emotionally motivated at first, I knew intellectually that I had a lot of questions about vegetarianism.  I thought immediately of my dear friend, Heidi Elizabeth White.  

pictured here with her awesome kitteh, Miss Busybee!

Heidi has been my friend since 5^th grade, when we lived in Spain together, along with our two other close friends, Samantha and Amy.  I knew even then that all of these ladies would grow up to be kind, inspiring women, and Heidi is no exception.  She lives in Vermont and is a nurse, writer, herbalist, and Vegan of three and a half years.  She’s currently working towards starting an official vegan organization in Vermont.  One of my favorite things about Heidi is that she is a bona fide animal activist, but her messages are always so filled with positivity that you can’t help but to listen.  She doesn't try to shock or attack others into Veganism, but is constantly spreading positive messages about the moral, economical, environmental, and health benefits of a vegan lifestyle.  She’s incredibly knowledgeable, and always willing to share and answer questions.  So I went to her with my top 4 burning questions about an animal-free diet:  (I took the liberty of highlighting some of my favorite bits!)

Katey:  What is your favorite thing (or things) about being a vegan?

Heidi: I love the joy and lightness of being that come with making daily choices that reflect my values. There’s never any compromise. To the greatest extent possible, the food and clothes and personal hygiene and household products I use are not derived directly or indirectly from the suffering of others. I love animals. They exist for their own purposes—not for the convenience and utility of humans. I would never want to be complicit in or tacitly endorse their use in any way shape or form. It feels like being on the brink of something beautiful. I envision a new kind of world where we all live to cause the least amount of impact on our fellow beings and allow all souls to walk their paths. I love it when friends (like you and others!) come up to me and say they’ve been hearing my message and they really want to know what they can do to change what they’re doing and make a difference too. It means that, no matter how hard it can be sometimes, someone is listening and the work I’m doing is making a difference.

I also love finding vegan versions of things. I was at the grocery store with another Vegan friend and it’s so delightful to find vegan versions of old favorite foods or to find things that are “accidentally” vegan. It makes you appreciate food on a whole other level.

Katey:  What was the hardest thing (or things) when you first started a vegetarian/vegan diet?

Heidi:  Honestly, I didn't miss a lot of omnivore foods when I started out and I still don’t. It is easier than ever to be vegan because they make so many substitutes for amazing foods (meatless meats, ice cream, cookies, cupcakes…these aren't necessarily healthy and should still be eaten in moderation or very sparingly, but they’re great in a pinch!). Certain brands are better than others and it just requires a bit of trial and error to find favorites. You’re not going to like all vegan foods anymore than you like every kind of omnivore food. It just requires patience and experimentation.

And it sort of goes along with my last answer to question one—creating amazing vegan food is such a happy accomplishment. When you can eat amazing, delicious food and know that there was no cruelty involved, everyone wins. I never have wanted to “cheat” because I was so satisfied with alternatives so that wasn't an obstacle for me. I reached a point where animal ingredients began to be seen as tainted and to be avoided at all costs for that reason.

What was difficult was learning to thoroughly read labels. Something could look vegan from the outset and then I would come to realize later it wasn't. Every so often this still happens when I've lapsed into a sort of false sense of security, but that usually keeps me wary for the next time. This might seem like a lot of work, but boycotting animal use and cruelty is worth a small amount of trouble as far as I’m concerned.

The other hard thing is the inevitable backlash you get from omnivores which, honestly, can feel very isolating and discouraging at times. That’s why I think every aspiring Vegan needs a buddy to support them. (Incidentally, I am willing to offer these services for free to anyone who lives in a vegan-deprived area!)

Katey: I'm a relatively healthy eater who loves to cook, but my diet is a pretty typical American (PNW) diet - I love classic American food like casseroles and barbeque, Italian, Mexican, Thai, Indian, Chinese (or America's best approximation of those). I do enjoy trying new things, but really am not the most adventurous eater. All that being said, what would you say are some good, accessible cookbooks or websites for the beginning vegetarian?

Heidi: Many ethnic foods are vegan by default or can easily be made vegan. I find this is really easy with Indian food. I recommend asking questions, though. Restaurants are used to these sorts of questions and are generally very understanding. Be sure to ask if beans are made with lard in a Mexican restaurant. Make sure there is no fish sauce being used in Asian dishes. Even in Indian food they often use cream or Ghee (clarified butter) in dishes. Italian is somewhat more challenging and I stick to making my own substitutions at home (it’s a landmine of cheese everywhere and egg-brushed pasta). Barbeque is totally doable with great inventions like seitan (as long as you don’t have gluten issues).  It also helps to be that really polite and super nice Vegan, because it encourages establishments to make more things that cater to Vegans which ultimately makes it easier for everyone—animals included!

The Veganomicon is the Vegan cooking bible. One thing that’s fun to do is take favorite recipes and substitute the animal ingredients for Vegan ones. There are Vegan cheeses and non-dairy milks that will make super creamy, rich, good casseroles. It’s amazing what plants can do! My desserts are better now since I stopped making them with animal products. If you live in a cool area (like Seattle!) I would recommend using apps and websites like Happy Cow to find vegan and Vegan-friendly places to eat out. They also offer options for finding great stores that offer vegan food as well. What I did, and my general guideline for others, is to start experimenting with food substitutions and to eat at super awesome vegan restaurants for inspiration.

Katey: Though I've been an omnivore my whole life, giving up meat is not what I think will be hardest. Honestly, the thing I'm most worried about is inconveniencing other people! I'm worried about having to say "actually, I've become a vegetarian," and not being able to eat a meal prepared by someone I care about; family members wondering "what are we going to feed Katey?" before I visit; making others feel as if they have to make special accommodations for me when we go out to eat. Though I can't imagine my friends or family complaining, I do worry about navigating these social issues. Have you experienced these challenges, and how do you manage them?

Heidi: That’s funny because that was my initial fear as well. At first I thought, “Well, maybe I won’t be Vegan at my mom’s or with my family in California…” But that thought didn’t really last long. What happened is that as I started making these choices, as I started changing the behaviors, something inside me *clicked.* I wasn't really the same, but it was this kind of strange and amazing awakening.

I wasn’t Vegan to inconvenience others. I’m Vegan because I love animals and I don’t want to hurt them.

As much as I love my family and their gestures of offering love through food, I gently let them know there are other ways they can love me. If someone offers me something that has animal products in them I try to thank them as warmly as I can and tell them I appreciate the thought, but I don’t eat animal products. In the end it’s not about us as people. It’s about the animals. We have our own voices and can speak up for ourselves. The animals don’t and it’s going to take a heck of a lot more compassionate people who are willing to speak and act for them. The response can sometimes be mixed. I try to avoid certain social situations altogether, but others can be worked around. My parents don’t really understand my Veganism, but my mom is really smart and conscientious (she was actually the first person who explained Veganism to me years and years before I ever went Vegan). She knows how to read labels and only buys me cruelty-free products for gifts. She also is a kick ass chef and has made me some amazing Vegan food since I made the transition. 

You can also make a point of bringing your own dish to social and family events because everyone can eat and enjoy Vegan food, and if you can show others how awesome and easy it can be, that helps motivate others to think about positive change. Vegans are very opportunistic in this way. I love feeding delicious baked goods and other great food to friends and co-workers.

At the conclusion of our talk, Heidi added, “For a more comprehensive overview of the exact whys and wherefores myself and others see Veganism as a moral bottom line, please go to www.earthlings.com and see the free online film of the same title. And let me know what you think!”

I plan start my vegetarian adventure in August, and will aim to blog about successes, challenges, and tasty recipes.  I have Heidi for my “Vegan Buddy” but would love a local one, too, if anyone wants to tackle this lifestyle with me! 

Are there lifestyle changes you've made because of a moral awakening?  How do you feel about an animal-free diet?  Let me know your thoughts!

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For more recipes, photos, and thoughts on life, follow me on Pinterest,  Instagram, and Twitter!  Smooches!

Craft Day with Chelsea

Chelsea and I finally had our long-awaited craft circle yesterday!  Crafting is normally a solitary activity - usually it's just you and your cats at home, thinking to yourself, "I wonder if my friends will think this potted plant cozy is the coolest?" and "Does Ryan Gosling really like girls who craft, or are all those 'Hey Girl' memes totally made up?"  Etc.

But I do have a few crafty friends, and sometimes it's fun to get together and make something beautiful with each other.

The most epic craft event of my life was going to my BFF, Aimee's, beach house to create all of the decorations for my wedding.  This weekend became known as "Crafty Sweatshop/Sweaty Craftshop," because it was around 100 degrees in that beach house, but we managed to make EVERYTHING for my wedding in 2 days.  All of the table settings, flower vases, candle holders, and decor were crafted by hand by just the two of us.

We cut pages out of love stories and made them into lace-edged table runners.  We covered mason jars in burlap and hand-painted buttons.  We frosted and spray-painted jam jars for candle holders.  We cut endless pennants out of scrapbook paper.  We filled tiny chiffon bags with Hershey kisses.

We stenciled and cut till our fingers were sore.

But seriously, we cut out THOUSANDS of pennants, and then strung those triangles onto twine to hang up all over the venue.  It took an unbelievably long amount of time.

Aimee never faltered, never said "maybe we should just buy a pennant banner," or "I never want to see you again."  Because Aimee knows, as a fellow crafter, that the point of making something yourself is that you remember the love each time you see it.  And when I walked into my decorated wedding venue, I knew that each item inside was created and filled with love, by hand, by me and a wonderful bridesmaid.  What could be more magical?

The same can be said for making jewelry.  Yes, you could buy a professionally made item, which will look quite perfect and be worn forever.  But you could also make some jewelry with a dear friend, and then think of each other each time you wear it.  Isn't that nice?

This was also a little Pinterest experiment!  Both of us had pinned several handmade jewelry items, and wanted to actually make something off our endless craft boards.  We selected these two to start:

(for the first one, I was unable to find the original source!  It linked to a simple wordpress photo, so if any of you know where this came from that would be great.  The second is from yesmissy.com.  A link to my Pinterest is on the right side of this blog!) 

I found a place called  Fusion Beads in Wallingford where I will now proceed to spend $1,000,000.  Long tables covered in glittering beads and baubles of all shapes and sizes, walls covered in strings of pearls and spools of silky ribbon, and the nicest, most helpful staff you could ever hope to meet.  I spent too much money.

But with the right supplies, we started our craft day!

Wait, that doesn't look right...

Oh there we go, that's better.

It may have been the extra large mimosas, but it took me a few tries to get the chain bracelet right.  Chelsea was a craft superstar, and helped me figure it out.  She also showed me how to macrame-knot for the other bracelet - apparently I missed a huge part of adolescence by not learning how to make hemp necklaces!  

About 4 hours and 3 mimosas later, we had this:

But even better:

How cute is that??  I would consider this a Pinterest success!

Round 2 next week?

Whole Beauty, Part 1: We do what we want

I was asked recently by a client whether I am a feminist.

For those of you who don't know what I do, I'm currently in year 5 of 6 working towards my clinical psychology Ph.D.  I work as a counselor at an all-girls high school.  

The answer to this question was important to my client because she considers herself a feminist, and had received some negative feedback from her friends about this.  She'd essentially received the message that to consider yourself a feminist is outdated, and conjures up images of "hairy armpits" - this is what a few teen girls had said.  It sort of boiled down to the idea that being a feminist is un-feminine.  That it means you eschew "womanly" things like make up and motherhood.  That you hate men, and think they're all out to get you.  

I asked my client what it means to her to be a feminist, and she said, "It means I like being a girl...and I think girls should be free to do what they want."

I thought this was a perfect explanation.  Yes, I am a feminist.  I like being a girl, too.  And I will continue to be a feminist until girls really can do what they want.  Whether they have hairy armpits or not.  

That's what inspired me to write this next blog series on women I know who do what they want.  Each of these women is a strong, cool, smart, sexy, fun, boss-lady, and I wanted to talk to each of them and share my conversations about some of my favorite topics, namely beauty and wellness.  Basically talking to broads about being broads.  Lady on lady conversing.  Chick shit.  All girls allowed.  (Boys can read, too).

I wanted to start off this series by rapping about my female friends and family.  (not literally rapping, I can't rap, though I rhyme sometimes for funsies).  

I hear all the time that women find it hard to have close relationships with other women.  My [feminist] take on that is that it's pretty hard to establish yourself as a powerful, smart, assertive, boss-lady and still seem accessible.  I think women are often intimidated by other women, and/or competitive with them.  Or maybe you were just a shy late-bloomer and didn't get to have fun female friendships until adulthood (who is that??  oh me, haha).  

These challenges to female friendship are exactly what makes me so grateful, on the daily, to be included in the friendships I've found here in Seattle, and to be inspired by women who celebrate themselves and each other.  

Namely, Smash Club, friends from college, and my sisters and Mama

SMASH CLUB

I can't believe how lucky I am to have been adopted by this crew... I've truly never encountered a group of women who are as genuinely supportive, positive, and kind to each other as these ladies.  I look around at them and see how much happiness we take in each others' wellbeing and accomplishments.  To me, they are the model of modern female friendship.

We're also really good at making human pyramids

College friends

My sisters and these women I met in college (and before) became my bridesmaids, along with some Smash Club beauties you see in there.  I lived with Kim for 4 years and I consider that my first marriage.  She is an inspiration for powerful women everywhere.  She works ridiculously long hours in D.C. for the awesome Shot@Life campaign, and does it all in amazing fashion.  And Meghan, who's a bride this year (!!!!), has constantly amazed me with her loyalty and kind friendship.  We survived years of working for bad pay at [un-named coffee corporation].  Julia is my oldest friend.  That deserves a blog post of its own (and will have it).

Sisters

Chelsea is StewDrew's girlfriend, and quickly became my closest confidante.  She's hung out with my family for years now and doesn't even think we're crazy!  She's genuinely one of the most un-selfish people I know.  I admire her so much.

Katie is Jake's wife.  She bring so much joy every place she goes...she lights up a room, and has the most contagious laugh.  And she should serve as an inspiration for all women through her toughness, brilliance, sweetness, and strength.

Little B is my darling baby sister.  I think, within minutes of meeting her, everyone knows she is something special.  She loves fully and is never afraid to laugh at herself - I think this is the epitome of grace.  I want to be like her when I grow up.

And finally,

Mama

This is the woman who taught me everything I know about being a woman.  She mothered 4 children as a Navy wife and created a beautiful, healthy, love-filled home for all of us.  I've never heard her complain.  She taught me how to be a listener.  She is gentle.  She is beautiful.  She taught me to dress with class, even if you're just going to the grocery store, and to wash my face every night before I go to sleep.  She is patient.  She is affectionate.  She taught me that Wife and Mother are two jobs with capital letters.  She taught me to love and respect my body.  She taught me to be kind to other women.  And to be kind to myself.  She taught me all those things on purpose, but even if she hadn't, I would have learned them from watching her.  So really she is the queen of boss-ladies, and the inspiration for all these posts to follow.

If you're still reading now after all that gushing prose about the women of my life, I thank you, and ask you to stay tuned for more posts in the Whole Beauty series (which, I promise, will be shorter, dirtier, and more useful).

Now go hug some woman you love!

Women at the Nail Salon

I think I'm probably a "middle maintenance" type woman.  By that I mean I'm somewhere in between having a personal stylist and wearing yoga pants to the movies.  I wear make up every day.  But not to the gym.  I value nice things.  But sometimes I make them myself, or buy them secondhand.  I love nature.  But I hate camping (sorry, Nicolai, the truth comes out...).

But I think the most high-maintenance, vanity-focused thing I do is get my nails manicured every 2 weeks... (and I took this selfie for my Nail Salon post, that's pretty vanity-focused... but when will I ever be this young and Instagram-filtered again???)

The nail salon is a fantastic place to watch and think about people.  Manicurists are usually skilled at picking up what type of person you are pretty quickly.... There's a kind of salon etiquette code ... They ask you a few questions, and if you respond briefly, that means you're comfortable (or relieved) to just sit quietly.  If you're chatty, then they have a whole arsenal of inquiries.  Lots of women will tell their manicurist things they wouldn't tell their best friend.  In my experience, manicurists also seem to have an amazing ability to remember minute details of their clients' lives.  This impresses me because, most of the time, I can't remember what day it is.

Unless I'm with a friend, I'm in the quiet camp.  With the work I do, sometimes it's relieving to be silent for an hour... I think my manicurist may feel the same way because she listens to people all day, too.

As an added bonus, being silent allows for some good, quality eavesdropping.  90% of people coming to the nail salon are women in groups.  And despite the fact that we're all in public, all of these women use the nail salon as time to dish the dirtiest dirt.  All of them.  There is a magical "truth or dare" portal at the door to the salon, but you can only choose "truth."  And even though there are four other groups of women half-eavesdropping on your conversation, there's as much Real Talk happening as a Charles Shaw-fueled slumber party.

I think it's wonderful that women do this.  I think it's completely awesome that we've all made a silent agreement that the nail salon is "our place" and we can talk about whatever we want.

But it's also a little unsettling, sometimes, when 90% of the conversation I hear is women talking about other women.  Men always think we're thinking about them, but the nail salon proves this is completely false.  We think about ourselves, and other women.  It's not always negative, but a lot of the time it is. It makes me think about a strange paradox.

The nail salon is one place I've seen that women have claimed, where we can talk about whatever we want.  It's hard out there for a woman, still.  There is still inequality in our day to day lives.  Raise your hand if you've been asked if you need "help" with something today.  Yet so often when we can talk without fear of being harassed or belittled, we're so often belittling each other.  Why do we do this?

I've read that because it's so hard for women to achieve a sense of secure confidence in this society, that gossip is one way of ensuring a continued position of power.  I've read that it's relational aggression instilled from a young age when we were taught we couldn't fight with fists.  I've read that gossip is one way of communicating trust and a special relationship, of ensuring group membership.  I've read that, particularly in America, women need more reassurance that their feelings, particularly difficult ones like anger or resentment towards others, are "correct," and gossip is one way of eliciting that.

I've also read that it's just fun to talk shit sometimes.  I pass through that "truth" portal, too, and I'm the one eavesdropping on all the good stories about what slutty thing Stacey did at the bar last night.  But I feel guilty for enjoying it.  Probably no one should be calling Stacey slutty.  Aren't we judged enough by men and strangers?

I'm reassured when I remember that most of this gossip is harmless.  And I remember that I've chosen friends who would include me in any hilarious conversation of my slutty-ness.  Stacey's probably laughing at herself, too.  If I do something dumb, mean, or ridiculous, I sort of hope my friends would talk about it.  Maybe our ability to talk so candidly about each other, in the nail salon and elsewhere, is one thing that makes being a woman extremely cool.  

Can we say we've "reclaimed" some of the names and stereotypes used against us?  Would being kinder to each other change how we're treated in the world?  Or maybe we just need the nail salon to get it all out.

Either way, I'll be back in 2 weeks.  I think I'll go with pink.