blog episode VI: return of the blog

Ok, so this isn't actually "Episode 6" of my blog, I just really wanted to make a Return of the Jedi reference.

I haven't posted since 2014!  What happened??  First, my doctoral internship.  A typical day was waking up between 5 and 6 AM, a mile walk to an hour long bus ride, an 8-10 hour work day, an hour bus ride home, running/yoga, shower, making dinner with a new vegetarian diet, and bed by 9pm.  Yes, I can get a little rigid... and this wasn't helped by the fact that Chris and I were living apart that year while he started his Ph.D. at Berkeley.  Without him to balance me out and introduce a little spontaneity, I very contentedly settled into a routine, and then adhered to it a little dogmatically.  But, in my defense, internship year is a hugely formative year for a psychologist, and I was apart from my husband, so I was coping in the best way I know how: schedules.

What else happened??  My dissertation.  This meant that a significant chunk of my weekends and free time was spent working on the most important project I've ever done.  No time for blog.  Plus, I'm friends with my advisor on Facebook and she may have noticed if my dissertation wasn't happening but I was churning out blog posts (Hi Amy!!).  She is an awesome advisor, though, and I'm not just saying that because she might be reading this (the likelihood is low, she is a full time researcher and has 2 kids and a social life, but just in case, thanks for everything).

What ELSE happened?  I moved to California.  WHAT?  I know.  But Chris got in to Berkeley (it's kind of a big deal), and for 6 years he supported me through my own Ph.D., working to pay our bills and putting his academic aspirations on the back burner so I could complete my dreams.  Of course we would move so he could study in the best possible place he could be.  Knowing I was moving, and per recommendation of my awesome therapist, I channeled more energy into my social life.  I wanted to ensure that the friends I had in Seattle knew how important they are to me, and maximize my time with them.  And after moving, I didn't want to spend months hiding at home watching Pitbulls and Parolees,  nursing my social anxiety and pretending I'm cool with Domino as my only friend.  So when I thought about blogging, I thought to myself "Have you made plans with anyone lately? Have you returned people's texts? Could I hide a dog in this apartment?"  Not all my thoughts were totally relevant.

And THEN what happened?  Postdoc.  After 6 years of strategizing and scheming to stay in Washington, matching to an in-state internship, and preparing to get licensed there, I needed to rethink my career to align with California requirements.  This meant finding a postdoc in a place where I had zero professional connections, that also just happens to be one of the top 3 most competitive cities for finding a postdoc, in the hardest state for getting licensed.  Oh ok.  So I got a postdoc.  <repeat rigid schedule from internship + add a transbay commute>

AND I had to study for the EPPP (the examination for the professional practice of psychology) < repeat rigid schedule from dissertation>

I DID ALL THAT!

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

We had a baby!!

This is my son, Henry

I love saying that, so much, "my son."

So after all that, NOW, I am on maternity leave.  Which means that, for the first time in about 2 years, I have a hot second to reflect on my life and reconnect to something that makes me feel like myself: writing.  And there is a new central component of myself that I've never written about before: being a mother.  It's still a little surreal, and yet, at the same time, the most real thing that I've ever experienced.

The love I feel for him is beyond compare.  His existence is amazing - a mixture of me and my favorite person combined into one.  I created him with my body.  But then he is also himself: even in his tiniest form, there was no denying that he is more than a combination of his dad and me, he is also a person comprised of his own unique magical substance - his own Henryness.  And so I can spend hours (literally hours) just looking at him, amazed by this Henryness.  

Any parent can attest to the fact that, as soon as he was born, everything in my heart, mind, and being shifted, and it is now my life's mission to ensure his safety and wellbeing.  Later on he will have more responsibilities; working hard and being a kind person, etc.  But for now, all I need from him is to eat, sleep, poop, and cuddle.  And when he accomplishes any of those things, I feel immensely proud and fulfilled.  It is amazing what hormones can do!

Beyond the immense love for him, I'm also so proud and happy about my new identity as a mother.  Hearing my husband refer to me as "mommy" when he talks to Henry fills me with warmth and excitement.  I've been amazed at how right and natural this feels, like this identity is not actually new at all, but has been quietly inside of me my entire life.  Henry arrived and illuminated this quiet part of me, and now it's glowing happily inside my heart.

Not that every part of this has been easy.  In fact, except for loving him, no part has been easy.  I've taken care of many babies throughout my life, so I came into this with some basic knowledge: diapering, dressing, soothing, getting a baby to sleep, what different types of crying might mean.  And then I also have pretty in-depth developmental knowledge of babies from my work and academics: what developmental milestones happen when, what's neurologically going on with a newborn, the theoretical components of forming a strong and positive attachment.  My baby knowledge even extended to knowing that none of this knowledge was going to make any difference when my baby arrived, and so I stood on the brink of this vast ocean of not-knowing with open arms of acceptance!

What I did not know was that, right beside that ocean, was an entirely different ocean of things I didn't know, and didn't know that I didn't know.  Like the fact that labor would last 3 days.  Or that taking care of a newborn, trying to learn how to breastfeed, and recovering from labor simultaneously would be the hardest thing I've ever done (seriously, the hardest thing I've ever done).  I also did not know that the tidal wave of postpartum hormones would augment my already strained emotions, meaning that I basically cried every time Henry cried for, like, 2 weeks.  In case you don't have all that "super valuable" baby knowledge I alluded to earlier, babies cry a lot.  So do moms.

The first week is now a complete blur in my memory.  Particular things stand out: the immense gratitude for my parents and in-laws, who cleaned our whole apartment and then stocked it with food.  Tearfully watching YouTube videos of breastfeeding mothers trying to figure out how to get a screaming, hungry baby to "latch."  Intense admiration for and devotion to my husband while I watched him expertly swaddle his newborn son (Chris is seriously the best baby swaddler I've ever seen, and if I was not in love with him before, his swaddling would have gotten me there).  That feeling that Chris and I were surviving something very intense and mildly traumatic together, so I should never get snappy about who is sleeping more (plus, I need him to swaddle) (plus plus, I need him).  And the love.  The intense love for Henry.

That love is peaceful and radiant now, but that first week, "love" felt more like panic.  I'll never forget the first time we laid him down to sleep in the bedside crib:

First of all, look at that swaddle.  Second of all, how do you not panic when you see your tiny baby helpless and exposed in a now giant-looking crib when 48 hours ago he was inside of you?  You think to yourself: that is literally my heart, now outside of my body, and he is so profoundly fragile and probably should not be outside of my body because everything here is dangerous and he can't do anything to protect himself.  To quote Sookie, he doesn't know his butt from a hole in the ground.  And then you're supposed to leave him there?  And go to sleep?  Every sound he made we pounced up to look at him.  Why is he breathing so hard?  What is the meaning of that noise, is he struggling?  It sounds like he's struggling.  Of course he's struggling, he was floating around in fluid yesterday.  Wait, but is he actually struggling?  Oh my god, how are we going to keep him alive?  We should be sleeping.  Ok, he's actually crying now.  When do people sleep, like for real?  

The answer to that question is "never again."  Tangent alert:  I just want to take this moment to debunk this whole "sleep when your baby sleeps" thing.  It is not a thing.  Newborn babies sleep for, max, an hour or 2 at a time before they need their parent to feed or tend to them in some way.   Mama can't spend the entire day on the couch, leisurely napping every time baby sleeps, or even every other time.  Because mama needs to pee (a process that first week postpartum, I'll spare the details), find food to eat so she can take medication, wash the pile of soiled clothes and blankets so baby can be dressed, research breastfeeding so when baby wakes up and cries maybe feeding will go better this time, return the concerned texts from grandparents who want to know the baby is still alive (oh my god, how are we going to keep him alive?), etc.  Probably a total of 2 times I laid down to sleep when Henry was napping, and the 20 scant minutes of sleep I got were not that helpful.  So people stop telling me to sleep when he sleeps, mmkay?

Life shifted in such a radical way that it's hard to approximate with "salt of the earth" examples, but, you guys, I didn't wash my face for a week.  Since pre-puberty, I have washed my face and brushed my teeth twice a day every day like it was necessary to sustain life.  No matter how sick, grief-stricken,  drunk, or inconvenienced, I wash my face before bed.  In college, I was hospitalized with pneumonia and was on strict bedrest, but I dragged my IV cart to the sink and washed my face twice a day at the hospital.  At my bachelorette party I drank my weight in champagne and required ridiculous assistance to do so, but (with my bridesmaids' help), I washed my face.  Camping, roadtripping, Vegas.. no matter what, I washed my face twice a day for 20 years.  We got home from the hospital with Henry, and I did not wash my face for a week.  A WEEK.  It was 3 days before I showered, and even then I'm pretty sure I just stood in the water and cried.  All sorts of "rules" have been broken.  I haven't worn a bra in a month.  I wore plaid pajama pants to Target.  It was 3 weeks before I even was able to leave our neighborhood to go on said trip to Target, and when I was there I felt like a delirious visitor from another dimension, staring curiously at the other shoppers like "what year be this, human?"  The house is a mess.  I haven't responded promptly or appropriately to a phone call, email, or text message in a month.  When our amazing friends in Seattle banded together to buy us month long subscription to Blue Apron, I realized I hadn't turned on the stove in a month either. 

But in the most poignant and unexpected way possible, this is all so right.  Henry arriving in my life is the single most important, most life-altering event I could experience, so it makes sense that it should be a bra-less, text-less, stove-less month.  A month of tears, pain, terror, sleeplessness, and pure, soul-altering love.  

I want to try and present a more "honest" picture of motherhood than what social media usually shows.  Of course, we only want to photographically document the fun and beautiful parts because those are the parts that are fun and beautiful to remember.  When Henry throws up on me and then spends 20 minutes screaming because he's hungry and he just spit up all the milk, I'm not thinking "I really need to put this on Instagram."  But I think that also contributes to the isolation and inadequacy that so many new mothers feel.  I have to write about the love, and of course I have to show the cute picutres (c'mon, he's so cute), but I'm also hoping to share more about my struggles and the parts of postpartum recovery and motherhood that I didn't know - the 2nd ocean of things I didn't know, and didn't know I didn't know.  

I'm so glad to be posting again, and hope to write again soon.  Just one more cute picture for now:

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With love from, Katey

Whole Beauty Part 4: Considering an animal-free diet

For about a year now, I’ve been considering a vegetarian lifestyle.  

While changing my whole diet may seem like a complicated issue, for me, it’s motivated by the pure and uncomplicated love of animals. 

A long evolution of thought and feeling has led me to a clear decision: I love animals and I don't want to eat them.  I want to share a little bit of this journey with you, as well as my really fun conversation with my lovely Vegan friend, Heidi.  However, this type of conversation always seems to require the disclaimer that, while I believe eating meat is a moral issue, I don’t judge others for enjoying their bacon and sausage.  I don’t pretend to be morally superior, in any way, to my omnivorous peers - I'm still one of you!  And I have to go on this journey myself before recommending it to anyone else.  But, if you want to come, I think it's going to be a super fun journey, filled with tasty food!

If you’re still with me (thank you, you’re awesome), and want to know WHY I would suddenly decide to stop eating tasty animals – I remember the exact moment.  I was watching PBS (the impetus for many a great epiphany, I’m sure), and got sucked into a fascinating documentary about Joe Hutto, a true-to-life cowboy mountain man who researched wild mule deer for seven years:

Touching the Wild, on PBS

From the website: "Joe Hutto’s idea of research is anything but normal, dedicating seven years of his life to becoming a wild mule deer. The herd would ordinarily run from any human but, incredibly, these keenly intelligent animals come to regard this stranger as one of their own. Accepted by the matriarch, he walks among them, is even groomed by them, and can lie with a pregnant doe talking to its unborn fawns. As he crosses the species divide, Joe is tapping into a new understanding about these elusive animals, literally entering a deer society. The captivating joy he feels for his new family is nothing short of infectious, but this human predator also learns to see the world from the point of view of prey – and it’s an experience that will ultimately rock him to his very core; sharing their world so personally finally takes a toll that sends him back to his own kind.”

There is a scene in this documentary where Hutto discovers the carcass of a mule deer buck he’s known for 5 years, which has been killed and eaten by wolves.  Importantly, I think, Hutto makes no distinction between human and animal hunters: humans eat meat, so do cougars, and he passes no judgment.  He does nothing to interfere with hunting by humans, wolves, or cougars, even though he has come to love and understand this family of mule deer.  As he finds the animal’s remains, Hutto narrates, “I've observed kills on more occasions that I would like to count, and they’re truly the quintessential death by a thousand cuts.  And it’s like reconstructing a crime scene…You see where the animal was eventually grabbed, usually by multiple individuals, struggled, was dragged to the ground, viciously torn, blood in the snow, and then finally that animal’s agony has ended.  And that’s a horrible picture, and people don’t see that.”  Then he watches as the buck’s brother finds his remains, and cries out in distress.  This is the moment when I knew I couldn't eat meat anymore.  Despite his stoic nature, you can't help but feel Hutto's emotion as he narrates: 

“They don’t cling less desperately to their lives than we do.  They do not experience death with less fear than we do.  Their agony and their horror is absolutely real.  This is an individual that you know, and you see their horror and their agony.  And you assign this to the way nature works.  Well, when you’re that close to an animal, you can’t look at it and say ‘well this is the natural order of things, this is the way it should be.’  You just cannot dismiss it.” 

As I cried watching this emotional scene, I looked down at my two cats sleeping on the floor, and think how much time and energy I spend to make them happy and safe, how devastated I would be if they were lost, hurt, or killed.  And I think about how many people cry over humane society commercials.  Why is a suffering, lonely dog any different from an animal we eat?  Millennia ago, we chose dogs and cats for companions, and cows and chickens to eat, but how can we say this is the way it’s definitely supposed to be now?  How can we unequivocally say that some creatures’ feelings are more precious than others, especially as our scientific knowledge about the emotional lives of animals only increases.  We all watched Blackfish and swore we’d never visit SeaWorld again.  To me, vegetarianism seems like the obvious next step. 

Though this may have been emotionally motivated at first, I knew intellectually that I had a lot of questions about vegetarianism.  I thought immediately of my dear friend, Heidi Elizabeth White.  

pictured here with her awesome kitteh, Miss Busybee!

Heidi has been my friend since 5^th grade, when we lived in Spain together, along with our two other close friends, Samantha and Amy.  I knew even then that all of these ladies would grow up to be kind, inspiring women, and Heidi is no exception.  She lives in Vermont and is a nurse, writer, herbalist, and Vegan of three and a half years.  She’s currently working towards starting an official vegan organization in Vermont.  One of my favorite things about Heidi is that she is a bona fide animal activist, but her messages are always so filled with positivity that you can’t help but to listen.  She doesn't try to shock or attack others into Veganism, but is constantly spreading positive messages about the moral, economical, environmental, and health benefits of a vegan lifestyle.  She’s incredibly knowledgeable, and always willing to share and answer questions.  So I went to her with my top 4 burning questions about an animal-free diet:  (I took the liberty of highlighting some of my favorite bits!)

Katey:  What is your favorite thing (or things) about being a vegan?

Heidi: I love the joy and lightness of being that come with making daily choices that reflect my values. There’s never any compromise. To the greatest extent possible, the food and clothes and personal hygiene and household products I use are not derived directly or indirectly from the suffering of others. I love animals. They exist for their own purposes—not for the convenience and utility of humans. I would never want to be complicit in or tacitly endorse their use in any way shape or form. It feels like being on the brink of something beautiful. I envision a new kind of world where we all live to cause the least amount of impact on our fellow beings and allow all souls to walk their paths. I love it when friends (like you and others!) come up to me and say they’ve been hearing my message and they really want to know what they can do to change what they’re doing and make a difference too. It means that, no matter how hard it can be sometimes, someone is listening and the work I’m doing is making a difference.

I also love finding vegan versions of things. I was at the grocery store with another Vegan friend and it’s so delightful to find vegan versions of old favorite foods or to find things that are “accidentally” vegan. It makes you appreciate food on a whole other level.

Katey:  What was the hardest thing (or things) when you first started a vegetarian/vegan diet?

Heidi:  Honestly, I didn't miss a lot of omnivore foods when I started out and I still don’t. It is easier than ever to be vegan because they make so many substitutes for amazing foods (meatless meats, ice cream, cookies, cupcakes…these aren't necessarily healthy and should still be eaten in moderation or very sparingly, but they’re great in a pinch!). Certain brands are better than others and it just requires a bit of trial and error to find favorites. You’re not going to like all vegan foods anymore than you like every kind of omnivore food. It just requires patience and experimentation.

And it sort of goes along with my last answer to question one—creating amazing vegan food is such a happy accomplishment. When you can eat amazing, delicious food and know that there was no cruelty involved, everyone wins. I never have wanted to “cheat” because I was so satisfied with alternatives so that wasn't an obstacle for me. I reached a point where animal ingredients began to be seen as tainted and to be avoided at all costs for that reason.

What was difficult was learning to thoroughly read labels. Something could look vegan from the outset and then I would come to realize later it wasn't. Every so often this still happens when I've lapsed into a sort of false sense of security, but that usually keeps me wary for the next time. This might seem like a lot of work, but boycotting animal use and cruelty is worth a small amount of trouble as far as I’m concerned.

The other hard thing is the inevitable backlash you get from omnivores which, honestly, can feel very isolating and discouraging at times. That’s why I think every aspiring Vegan needs a buddy to support them. (Incidentally, I am willing to offer these services for free to anyone who lives in a vegan-deprived area!)

Katey: I'm a relatively healthy eater who loves to cook, but my diet is a pretty typical American (PNW) diet - I love classic American food like casseroles and barbeque, Italian, Mexican, Thai, Indian, Chinese (or America's best approximation of those). I do enjoy trying new things, but really am not the most adventurous eater. All that being said, what would you say are some good, accessible cookbooks or websites for the beginning vegetarian?

Heidi: Many ethnic foods are vegan by default or can easily be made vegan. I find this is really easy with Indian food. I recommend asking questions, though. Restaurants are used to these sorts of questions and are generally very understanding. Be sure to ask if beans are made with lard in a Mexican restaurant. Make sure there is no fish sauce being used in Asian dishes. Even in Indian food they often use cream or Ghee (clarified butter) in dishes. Italian is somewhat more challenging and I stick to making my own substitutions at home (it’s a landmine of cheese everywhere and egg-brushed pasta). Barbeque is totally doable with great inventions like seitan (as long as you don’t have gluten issues).  It also helps to be that really polite and super nice Vegan, because it encourages establishments to make more things that cater to Vegans which ultimately makes it easier for everyone—animals included!

The Veganomicon is the Vegan cooking bible. One thing that’s fun to do is take favorite recipes and substitute the animal ingredients for Vegan ones. There are Vegan cheeses and non-dairy milks that will make super creamy, rich, good casseroles. It’s amazing what plants can do! My desserts are better now since I stopped making them with animal products. If you live in a cool area (like Seattle!) I would recommend using apps and websites like Happy Cow to find vegan and Vegan-friendly places to eat out. They also offer options for finding great stores that offer vegan food as well. What I did, and my general guideline for others, is to start experimenting with food substitutions and to eat at super awesome vegan restaurants for inspiration.

Katey: Though I've been an omnivore my whole life, giving up meat is not what I think will be hardest. Honestly, the thing I'm most worried about is inconveniencing other people! I'm worried about having to say "actually, I've become a vegetarian," and not being able to eat a meal prepared by someone I care about; family members wondering "what are we going to feed Katey?" before I visit; making others feel as if they have to make special accommodations for me when we go out to eat. Though I can't imagine my friends or family complaining, I do worry about navigating these social issues. Have you experienced these challenges, and how do you manage them?

Heidi: That’s funny because that was my initial fear as well. At first I thought, “Well, maybe I won’t be Vegan at my mom’s or with my family in California…” But that thought didn’t really last long. What happened is that as I started making these choices, as I started changing the behaviors, something inside me *clicked.* I wasn't really the same, but it was this kind of strange and amazing awakening.

I wasn’t Vegan to inconvenience others. I’m Vegan because I love animals and I don’t want to hurt them.

As much as I love my family and their gestures of offering love through food, I gently let them know there are other ways they can love me. If someone offers me something that has animal products in them I try to thank them as warmly as I can and tell them I appreciate the thought, but I don’t eat animal products. In the end it’s not about us as people. It’s about the animals. We have our own voices and can speak up for ourselves. The animals don’t and it’s going to take a heck of a lot more compassionate people who are willing to speak and act for them. The response can sometimes be mixed. I try to avoid certain social situations altogether, but others can be worked around. My parents don’t really understand my Veganism, but my mom is really smart and conscientious (she was actually the first person who explained Veganism to me years and years before I ever went Vegan). She knows how to read labels and only buys me cruelty-free products for gifts. She also is a kick ass chef and has made me some amazing Vegan food since I made the transition. 

You can also make a point of bringing your own dish to social and family events because everyone can eat and enjoy Vegan food, and if you can show others how awesome and easy it can be, that helps motivate others to think about positive change. Vegans are very opportunistic in this way. I love feeding delicious baked goods and other great food to friends and co-workers.

At the conclusion of our talk, Heidi added, “For a more comprehensive overview of the exact whys and wherefores myself and others see Veganism as a moral bottom line, please go to www.earthlings.com and see the free online film of the same title. And let me know what you think!”

I plan start my vegetarian adventure in August, and will aim to blog about successes, challenges, and tasty recipes.  I have Heidi for my “Vegan Buddy” but would love a local one, too, if anyone wants to tackle this lifestyle with me! 

Are there lifestyle changes you've made because of a moral awakening?  How do you feel about an animal-free diet?  Let me know your thoughts!

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Whole Beauty Part 3: Why I Exercise

Let's get one thing straight: I'm never going to be one of those people who LOVES the gym.  I've never been an athlete.  My parents put me in a wide variety of youth sports, hoping, I think, that I had some hidden talent that could be coaxed out by a professional.  I didn't.  Well actually my "hidden" talent was hiding... at recess so I could quietly read my book instead of being forced to run around in the dirt.  It's so dirty!

Despite an inauspicious beginning, many people grow up to love "being active" - meaning they love to run marathons or hike or do Crossfit (and then post excessively about it on facebook).  I figured I could be one of those people... at least the facebook part...

I do like hiking, especially here in the PNW, but only in the summer when it's not too hot, so that means I like hiking about 2 days per year.

I like yoga, it's relaxing, and kinda fun, in a sweaty sort of way

Ballet is super cool, and it almost tricks me into thinking I'm not working out... almost

Zumba is stupid... #amiright?

Pilates is hard, duh

Conclusion: I seem to get the best workout dancing to Destiny's Child alone in my house

Last fall, I trained for and ran my first 5k, which was a huge accomplishment for me, considering I've never really committed to anything athletic ever in my life. 

I had a running schedule that I actually stuck to, and I went outside (where it's dirty!) and ran 4 days per week for a whole freakin month!  In the rain and shit!  I completed the 5k in about 30 minutes.  I was beat by this dog:

Dammit, Oscar!  (no but seriously, Oscar, I love you).  Regardless, I was extremely proud.  It was the first time I'd really committed to a workout.  And I found that running is the only form of exercise that actually quiets all those annoying voices in my head.

Which brings me to why I workout.  I don't do it because it's fun.  Yah, sure, running can be fun if you can make it to Greenlake and it's a lovely sunny, 68 degree day, and you just got a cute new workout top, and the Usher Pandora mix is picking all the right jamzz.  But I don't love being active.  I love cooking, I LOVE wine tasting, I love reading quietly in my bed... I love love love sitting on my ass sewing all day.  So the only thing that gets me up to go hard for 35 minutes on the treadmill, or make it to that evening yoga class, is because, if I'm working out hard enough, for maybe 10 minutes sometime that day, I have a quiet brain.

Anxiety is a tricky beast.  It often prevents you from doing exactly what will help the most - something new.  I've had an anxious temperament all my life...  I think I came out of the womb asking the doctor, "should we be concerned?"  

I tried running about 3 years ago because a) my mother told me she felt strangely calm every time she went walking, and b) my therapist told me to.  Even though, as a counselor, I extolled the virtues of exercise to every anxious or depressed client I encountered, knowing the research to support it, and really believing it was true, I'd never tried it myself.  Working out was not just a part of who I was.  I couldn't be one of those "gym people" who post "before and after" pictures on Instagram, #humblebragging about how "healthy" and "fit" they feel, when deep inside they're just hoping someone will say "good job" or "you look hot."  Don't front!  We ALL want that sometimes, cause working out IS hard, and they DO look hot!  But I couldn't be that workout girl.  Is it even possible, as a woman, to talk about working out without somehow secretly asking for validation?  "I accept myself for who I am."  "I just workout to be healthy."  "She squats, bro."  What is all this??  No wonder I had so much trepidation about edging into this community..

But then I went for a run.  It sucked.  But afterwards, as I was laying on the my living room floor, sweaty and pissed off, I realized... I wasn't thinking about anything.  

The next day, I went for another run.  Again, nothing.  No thoughts.  

So this is what my husband means when I ask him what he's thinking about and he says, "nothing."  Before this, my mind could not comprehend that a person could ever be thinking about nothing.  You're always thinking about something... right?  There is always something to worry about, at least quietly, in the background, while you're doing other things.  Usually several things.

I kept running.  After a week, I was sleeping through the night (all people don't wake up several times during the night, just thinking about stuff?).  I started doing push ups and sit ups and stretches after the run while I was cooling off, rather than laying on the floor panting thinking, "I can't believe I just went for a stupid run!"  After 2 weeks, my skin looked better (shit, my dermatologist was right).  After a month, I saw defined muscles in the mirror (and briefly thought about posting a before and after pic on Instagram).  Maybe I'm a runner.  No... that's too weird... Here's a pic of me jumping on the bed after NOT working out... #imcool

Since then, I've gone through phases of working out regularly, and other phases of not.  When I find myself freaking out about what to make for dinner, or being 30 seconds late to things, or waking up in the night, "did I call my mom back?" then I ask myself, "have you been working out, eating right, doing things to take care of yourself?"  The lovely thing is that I now know anxiety has a solution, and I will feel better in a week's time if I commit to being active 4 times.  And stop drinking and watching so much Kardashians.

Why do you work out?  

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Whole Beauty Part 2: Skin Revelations

A lot of women I know dislike their skin.  I'm right there with you. 

But I've recently started a new beauty journey, and I want to take you with me!

Those close to me know that I have struggled with problematic skin for over a decade.  Since the age of 13, I've battled oiliness, dryness (yes, both), redness, and seemingly endless breakouts.  So much skin sadness!

There's one refrain heard from anyone who struggles with similar skin issues - "I've tried everything."  When a person says this, I believe her, because I know that she really has tried everything.  Because I really really really have tried everything.

Over the counter products, like Neutrogena, Cetaphil, CeraVe...

Mid-range products, like Clinique, Murad, Philosophy...

TV infomercial products, like Proactiv, Exposed...

"Natural" products, like Burt's Bees, Say Yes, Alba...

Prestige products, like Somme, Dr. Hauschka, Clarisonic...

I have visited the naturopath and tried elimination diets, "liver-cleansing" supplements, herbs and tonics.

I have visited the dermatologist and taken antibiotics, hormone-altering medications, prescription topicals

I have tried benzoyl peroxide, salicylic acid, sea buckthorn, witch hazel, facials, steaming, retinols.  Endless cleansers, toners, moisturizers, masks, tonics, soaks, scrubs, exfoliators, bars, creams, and compresses.

I eat a healthy, balanced diet.  I exercise regularly, and cleanse after.  I drink 8 glasses of water.  I change my towels and pillow cases every other day.  I leave offerings for skin gods.

I have even tried total Acceptance.  Doing nothing - no cleansing, moisturizing, touching, or even thinking too hard about my skin.

Nothing works.

I was still oily or dry, still had excessive redness.  And years of using harsh products made me feel like I was torturing my face.  I knew I just hadn’t found The Key yet – my skin wanted to be healthy, I just didn’t know how to take care of it.

I think about this as a “dark side” to my otherwise very positive feelings about beauty and make up.  And because I love to apply, and read about, and research, and think about make up and beauty products, I’m frequently talking with friends (and strangers) about their beauty routines.  If I see a woman who has beautiful skin, or who has clearly put energy into doing lovely or artistic make up, I want to compliment her and find out her secrets. 

Sometimes a woman with beautiful skin will say something super annoying like, “I eat a lot of blueberries,” or “Ponds cold cream.”  And we both know that most of us average Janes could eat a flat of blueberries and bathe in Ponds and still not have the same genetically-blessed flawless finish.

And then sometimes you talk to someone who has battled all the same issues as you, who has also tried everything, and then found The Key, and come out on the other side with lovely, healthy, glowing skin.  And she wants to share all of her secrets!  And she starts a blog to tell other women about all the toxins in their beauty products, and how they can transform their skin, and help the environment, just by doing what’s natural.  And she’s so effing gorgeous you will do whatever she says.  That’s my friend, Lauren Evashenk, and her awesome blog Naked Truth Beauty.

Lauren’s Key, and my Skin Revelation, is the magic of oil.  In particular, for me, pure jojoba oil.  Get the full story in her post.  As she explains, oil is the most perfect skin nourishment.  Jojoba in particular is chemically identical to the oil our skin naturally produces (sebum).  Thus when we use it, our skin recognizes it as its own moisture – a friendly beast that need not be battled with inflammation.  Not only that, but oil can be used as a cleanser as well.  Jojoba oil removes excess oil from your skin (it makes sense, oil removes oil), and draws impurities out of your pores, without disrupting the chemical balance of your face.

I’ve learned that using common beauty products starts a vicious cycle.  Cleansers and toners remove our skin’s natural oils.  We moisturize with water-based, oil-free creams and lotions to counteract the dryness from the cleanser.  However, our skin still senses its been stripped of its own moisture, and starts to produce more sebum.  The excess sebum causes our pores to enlarge, and often become infected with acne.  We’ve cleansed and moisturized, but our skin is either dry or oily (or both).  Then we use more products to try to kill the acne bacteria.  We exfoliate to slough off the layers of dead skin that accumulate from all these harsh treatments.  It seems like no matter what we do, our skin is shiny, dull, lifeless, patchy, and broken out. 

Lauren points out how this cycle produces a reliance on commercial beauty products.  Those with “problem skin” need to use “oil free” products because, we’re told, oil is the enemy and will make you break out.  While its true that not all oils are appropriate for your face (read about that here), it can actually be the solution to many of the problems it purportedly causes.

And the best part?  A 4oz bottle of pure jojoba oil from Trader Joe’s is $8.  I’ve paid more money just to talk about skin care. 

So let’s get real, does this work? 

It may not be the solution to every single problem your skin presents.  I don’t (yet) believe that oil alone will alleviate the worst breakouts.  I recognize that acne is, at its core, a bacterial infection that may have to be treated medically.  I’m not saying fire your dermatologist. 

But I am saying that, given the best treatment, skin wants to be healthy, and healthy is beautiful.  When I use oil, my pores diminish, my skin is plump, and I’m neither shiny nor dry.  I don’t know if anyone is stopping me on the street yet to say, “Hey gorgeous, what’s your routine?”  But for the first time in about 15 years, I like my skin.  My new routine is using oil, accepting flaws, celebrating health, and taking care of myself.  Oh and mascara.  I really like mascara.

More to come on make up and beauty in my next post!

Thank you for reading!  Have you subscribed to my posts yet? Click on the left to get in on the action.  And if you think your friends would like it, share my posts on Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter.

For more recipes, photos, and thoughts on life, follow me on Pinterest,  Instagram, and Twitter!  While you’re at it, follow Lauren on her blog Naked Truth Beauty.  Can’t get enough!

XOXO