Let's get one thing straight: I'm never going to be one of those people who LOVES the gym. I've never been an athlete. My parents put me in a wide variety of youth sports, hoping, I think, that I had some hidden talent that could be coaxed out by a professional. I didn't. Well actually my "hidden" talent was hiding... at recess so I could quietly read my book instead of being forced to run around in the dirt. It's so dirty!
Despite an inauspicious beginning, many people grow up to love "being active" - meaning they love to run marathons or hike or do Crossfit (and then post excessively about it on facebook). I figured I could be one of those people... at least the facebook part...
I do like hiking, especially here in the PNW, but only in the summer when it's not too hot, so that means I like hiking about 2 days per year.
I like yoga, it's relaxing, and kinda fun, in a sweaty sort of way
Ballet is super cool, and it almost tricks me into thinking I'm not working out... almost
Zumba is stupid... #amiright?
Pilates is hard, duh
Conclusion: I seem to get the best workout dancing to Destiny's Child alone in my house
Last fall, I trained for and ran my first 5k, which was a huge accomplishment for me, considering I've never really committed to anything athletic ever in my life.
I had a running schedule that I actually stuck to, and I went outside (where it's dirty!) and ran 4 days per week for a whole freakin month! In the rain and shit! I completed the 5k in about 30 minutes. I was beat by this dog:
Dammit, Oscar! (no but seriously, Oscar, I love you). Regardless, I was extremely proud. It was the first time I'd really committed to a workout. And I found that running is the only form of exercise that actually quiets all those annoying voices in my head.
Which brings me to why I workout. I don't do it because it's fun. Yah, sure, running can be fun if you can make it to Greenlake and it's a lovely sunny, 68 degree day, and you just got a cute new workout top, and the Usher Pandora mix is picking all the right jamzz. But I don't love being active. I love cooking, I LOVE wine tasting, I love reading quietly in my bed... I love love love sitting on my ass sewing all day. So the only thing that gets me up to go hard for 35 minutes on the treadmill, or make it to that evening yoga class, is because, if I'm working out hard enough, for maybe 10 minutes sometime that day, I have a quiet brain.
Anxiety is a tricky beast. It often prevents you from doing exactly what will help the most - something new. I've had an anxious temperament all my life... I think I came out of the womb asking the doctor, "should we be concerned?"
I tried running about 3 years ago because a) my mother told me she felt strangely calm every time she went walking, and b) my therapist told me to. Even though, as a counselor, I extolled the virtues of exercise to every anxious or depressed client I encountered, knowing the research to support it, and really believing it was true, I'd never tried it myself. Working out was not just a part of who I was. I couldn't be one of those "gym people" who post "before and after" pictures on Instagram, #humblebragging about how "healthy" and "fit" they feel, when deep inside they're just hoping someone will say "good job" or "you look hot." Don't front! We ALL want that sometimes, cause working out IS hard, and they DO look hot! But I couldn't be that workout girl. Is it even possible, as a woman, to talk about working out without somehow secretly asking for validation? "I accept myself for who I am." "I just workout to be healthy." "She squats, bro." What is all this?? No wonder I had so much trepidation about edging into this community..
But then I went for a run. It sucked. But afterwards, as I was laying on the my living room floor, sweaty and pissed off, I realized... I wasn't thinking about anything.
The next day, I went for another run. Again, nothing. No thoughts.
So this is what my husband means when I ask him what he's thinking about and he says, "nothing." Before this, my mind could not comprehend that a person could ever be thinking about nothing. You're always thinking about something... right? There is always something to worry about, at least quietly, in the background, while you're doing other things. Usually several things.
I kept running. After a week, I was sleeping through the night (all people don't wake up several times during the night, just thinking about stuff?). I started doing push ups and sit ups and stretches after the run while I was cooling off, rather than laying on the floor panting thinking, "I can't believe I just went for a stupid run!" After 2 weeks, my skin looked better (shit, my dermatologist was right). After a month, I saw defined muscles in the mirror (and briefly thought about posting a before and after pic on Instagram). Maybe I'm a runner. No... that's too weird... Here's a pic of me jumping on the bed after NOT working out... #imcool
Since then, I've gone through phases of working out regularly, and other phases of not. When I find myself freaking out about what to make for dinner, or being 30 seconds late to things, or waking up in the night, "did I call my mom back?" then I ask myself, "have you been working out, eating right, doing things to take care of yourself?" The lovely thing is that I now know anxiety has a solution, and I will feel better in a week's time if I commit to being active 4 times. And stop drinking and watching so much Kardashians.
Why do you work out?
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